Understanding the Confusing Cycle of Heartache and Longing.

Have you ever found yourself missing someone who treated you poorly? It’s a confusing and painful experience, leaving you feeling trapped in a cycle of heartache and self-doubt. You’re not alone—many people recovering from narcissistic abuse struggle with the same feelings of longing and emptiness. It might seem illogical to miss someone who caused you so much pain, yet this emotional turmoil runs deep. In this blog, we’ll explore three reasons why you miss your narcissistic ex and how understanding these reasons can help you in healing from narcissistic abuse and moving forward.

Your Cells Are Addicted to Familiar Emotions

Many people seeking talk therapy to heal from narcissistic abuse often find themselves trapped in the same painful patterns repeatedly. This cycle of emotional addiction isn’t just about understanding the issues logically; it involves the deep-seated familiarity of codependent relationships. Our cells become addicted to these familiar emotions, and our subconscious mind and ego work to keep us “safe” by seeking out situations that recreate these harmful yet known emotional experiences.

Imagine the withdrawal experienced by someone addicted to a substance. Just as a drug addict craves their next fix, you might find yourself craving the emotional highs and lows of a codependent relationship with a narcissistic partner. During the relationship, the intense emotional experiences—whether the thrill of love-bombing or the agony of neglect—became a part of your daily life, creating a powerful cycle of dependency. The chemicals released in your brain, such as oxytocin, cortisol, and dopamine, reinforced this cycle.

Now, when you’re away from your narcissistic abuser, you experience emotional withdrawal similar to that of a drug addict. Your body and mind are accustomed to the constant emotional stimulation and are left craving those familiar highs and lows. This withdrawal can be excruciating, making it hard to understand why you miss someone who treated you poorly. Your conscious mind may question this longing, but your body, deeply accustomed to the intense emotional rollercoaster of codependency, keeps score and fuels your cravings.

Limiting Beliefs and the Subconscious Mind

Our subconscious beliefs about ourselves deeply impact our relationships, often in ways we don’t fully realize. From a young age, before we’re even seven, we start forming beliefs about ourselves and the world. These aren’t always logical but are deeply felt and stored in our subconscious mind.

For example, if as a child you had to earn love by achieving or pleasing others, you might grow up believing that you have to work hard for affection. This could show up as beliefs like, “I need to work for love,” “I’m not worthy of love,” or “relationships are unsafe.” These kinds of beliefs are major signs of codependency, where you might find yourself needing validation from others rather than feeling secure within yourself.

Imagine a child who only feels loved when they get straight A’s or do something extraordinary. As an adult, this person might struggle in relationships, feeling they must constantly prove their worth to be loved. This pattern often leads to staying in unhealthy relationships where they feel they must always “earn” affection or validation.

Talk therapy can help you understand these patterns, but the real work is reprogramming these deep-seated beliefs. Healing from a narcissistic relationship or any toxic situation involves more than just talking about the issues. It requires addressing these foundational beliefs and reshaping them to break free from unhealthy patterns.

For example, you might start noticing that you seek approval from your partner excessively or stay in relationships where you feel undervalued. Recognizing these patterns is the first step; the next is actively working on changing the underlying beliefs that drive these behaviors.

The Brain’s Filter and Focus

When we think about a past relationship, especially one that was toxic, our brain’s Reticular Activating System (RAS) plays a key role. The RAS is like a filter in our brain that decides what we focus on and notice. If we keep thinking about an ex or the pain of a past relationship, the RAS helps strengthen those thoughts and memories.

Imagine you’re constantly thinking about a toxic relationship. Every time you remember a moment of drama or pain, your RAS makes it easier for you to recall those same thoughts and emotions. It’s like a path through a forest: the more you walk it, the clearer and more defined it becomes. The same goes for your thoughts—when you focus on them repeatedly, your brain creates stronger connections to those thoughts.

For example, let’s say you often think about the excitement of the highs and the frustration of the lows in your past relationship. Each time you revisit those memories, you’re reinforcing the neural pathways associated with those emotions. This means your brain is more likely to focus on these familiar patterns, making it harder to move on.

So, when you miss your narcissistic ex, it’s not just about missing the person. It’s also about how your brain has been trained to focus on the emotional ups and downs of that relationship. This focus creates a cycle where the familiar emotions become more prominent, even if they were painful.

Understanding this can help you see why breaking free from these patterns can be challenging. It’s not just about wanting to let go; it’s about retraining your brain to focus on healthier, more positive experiences. By consciously shifting your focus away from the past and towards new, positive experiences, you can start to form new neural pathways that support your healing and growth.

To break free from the cycle of missing a narcissistic partner, you need to retrain your brain’s focus and break the cycle of emotional addiction:

• Mindfulness Techniques: Practice mindfulness to become aware of your thoughts and redirect your focus to the present moment.
• Affirmations and Positive Focus: Use affirmations to reinforce your self-worth and consciously focus on positive, healthy experiences.
• New Routines: Establish new routines and habits that bring joy and fulfillment outside of the relationship.
• Professional Support: Consider seeking help from online mindfulness coaching or therapy to guide you through the recovery process.

Take the Next Step Towards a Fresh Start

Imagine stepping out of the shadows of your past and into a future where you feel genuinely at peace. Picture a life where you’re no longer stuck in the cycle of emotional highs and lows, but instead, you’re embracing stability and happiness.

This vision is within your reach. Healing from past experiences and breaking free from unhealthy patterns involves more than just understanding—it requires action. By challenging the beliefs that have held you back and embracing new, positive habits, you can start to transform your life.

Think about how different it would feel to break free from the grip of past relationships and build healthier, fulfilling connections. It’s not just a dream; it’s something you can achieve with the right support and guidance.

If you’re ready to take that important step towards change, I’m here to help. Book a breakthrough call and let’s work together to create a path that leads to the fulfilling life you deserve.

Alternatively, you can take your free quiz to discovery your subconscious blocks that are creating your reality.