What Kind of Person Is a People-Pleaser?

If you’re wondering, what kind of person is a people-pleaser, you’re in the right place. I commend you for taking the time to educate yourself on this topic because the answer is probably not going to be the generic surface level answers you get elsewhere. And I ask that you keep an open mind and heart when you read this because some of it is going to be a rude-awakening, but just know that I’m holding your hand when I tell you this…

People-pleasers are manipulators. Ouch. I know that hurt. But I can say that because I was one. I was that person that showed up for everyone. I had so many people coming to me for help. I thought it was my job to put out all the fires and solve everyone’s issues. I held space for them without judgement, while they judged me for having the odd weak moment. I let them tell me what to do, what to wear and how to think and what to feel.

Now, don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t that I was wishy washy, lacking a personality. In fact, I appeared confident and was never a suck up. It was so subtle that I didn’t even know I was doing it. For example, when I would go out with my friends, they would suggest I wear something that didn’t even align with my style. In my mind, I subconsciously thought, wow, they care about me so much, I should just do what they’re saying because it’s coming from a good place. You see, I never really had anyone that took the time to pay attention to me, growing up. I came from a very dysfunctional and disengaged family, where my needs were constantly being unmet, ever since I was a child. So now, when a friend is taking an interest in what I’m wearing, I wasn’t about to object. It took me too long to figure that out.

So basically what I’m saying here is, the kind of people that are people pleasers, are those that need something from others. They seek external acceptance, approval and validation so that they can feel psychologically safe and meet their previously unmet needs. Even though it’s not a conscious decision, it’s still manipulation. However, in your defense it is subconscious manipulation rooted in childhood wounds and trauma (even if you had a good childhood). According to the American Psychological Association, trauma doesn’t have to be a crazy wound, but something that happens where you don’t have the capacity to handle it.

So basically, people-pleasing is not your personality, it’s a survival mechanism designed to keep us safe, but actually keeps us stuck. How does it keep us stuck?

The link between people-pleasing and our experiences

Well, if you’re a people pleaser, I’m sure you’ve had your fair share of unhealthy relationships, that are not only limited to romantic partners. When I got married, the control, intimidation, and manipulation, not to mention guilt tripping and gaslighting, kicked in right away. What I didn’t realize was that he wasn’t my first unhealthy dynamic. What I was going through with him just looked different with family and friends, but underneath, it was rooted in the same pattern that required me to shrink to keep others comfortable, silence myself to keep the peace, and settle, just so that I can belong. If your sister bullied you for taking up space as a child and your husband is now mocking you for the success you are working toward, the pattern is the same even though the scenario looks different on the surface.

Understanding that there is a link between being a people-pleaser and attracting a potentially narcissistic partner that devalues you and doesn’t truly see you, doesn’t necessarily change the pattern. Why is this?

According to universal laws, ie: the law of resonance, the law of attraction, we like attracts like. I’ve always heard people say, oppositions attract and here’s what I’ve realized as I thought more about this. Like attracts like, really means the energy we embody. So if I’m a people pleaser, the energy I embody is the energy of insecurity and self-doubt. Similarly, the person that controls, manipulates and intimidates is also operating from that same internal energy. Have you ever met a person that authentically felt good about themselves, wanting to control others? No, because the way we treat others is actually a projection of how we feel about ourselves. If you squeeze a lemon, what comes out? Lemon juice. So what is the whole opposites attract thing then? The way the insecurity of a people pleaser shows up and the way the narcissist (or a person that takes advantage of other’s weakness) manifests differently. One controls, the other shrinks. This theory that I haven’t heard anywhere before, makes the most sense to me. They’re 2 pieces of the same puzzle. Two wings of the same bird. Two sides of the same coin.

So you see, it’s not random. You don’t have to look out for the redflags. There’s a formula to this which can change how you feel, how you show up and who you attract. My clients are always surprised that after experiencing talk therapy for years that they were unable to feel the kind of shift that they did in just one session with me. Again, it’s not your personality, it’s not your bad luck and you don’t have to fixate on redflags if you do the inner work, because like attracts like. When we become the person that is confident, what we will attract will align with that exactly.

The Trap we get stuck in

I cannot tell you how many times I hear people focussing on the other person. The blame, the projection, the victim mentality. All of us keeps us trapped in looking outside ourselves for our power. It took me a long time to realize that if I was going to act like a doormat, people were obviously going to treat me like one. And that’s just what happened. For decades, instead of setting boundaries, honoring myself and teaching people how to treat me better, I would focus on either defending myself, convincing them of my worth or simply doing what would make them happy so that I could feel safe. This was a recipe for disaster and a pattern that I was stuck in until staying the same was harder than changing.

I use to tell myself I’m family oriented, I’m loyal, I’m just adjusting, I’m a good person. It took me too long to realize that abandoning my own needs, feelings and emotional well-being just to belong was deeply rooted in rejection and abandonment wounds and really had nothing to do with me being a nice person. It also had nothing to do with the other person being a jerk, although the egoic part of us would like to think that. They are really just operating from their wounds, just as we are. Blaming, shaming, pointing fingers and shrinking doesn’t solve the problem. My life changed when I took full responsibility for what I was going through. I started getting curious, asking the right questions and getting curious. I stopped focussing on them and started focussing on me. Because if I’m the problem, then I’m the solution. It’s hard enough to change ourselves, let alone change someone else. That realization took me down rabbit holes of healing and growth. I went right to the root and dealt with the subconscious wounds that were running the show in my life and addressed the nervous system that was in control of executing my coping mechanisms.

What makes us get stuck in the trap of people-pleasing and what to do about it

A lack of awareness to the truth. Looking back, the reason it took me so long to release unhealthy patterns of people pleasing is because I wasn’t even aware of what I was feeling. Like, I knew something was not right but I was stuck on the surface. I was angry and resentful for being used, taken advantage of and devalued. But I never really spent time with that feeling at the somatic level. You see, our emotions don’t live in the mind, they get trapped in our body and the body keeps the score. The truth is, people can’t make us mad. They can’t make us feel anything. What they’re essentially doing is activating an existing wound within, a wound that is yet to be processed. When my partner was constantly harassing me, why couldn’t I just ignore him and not internalize his behaviour (even though it was absolutely absurd)? I mean someone else that went through the exact same scenario wouldn’t necessarily shrink or even try to defend themselves. There are people that react to scenarios like that by simply ignoring and brushing it off. Why are they capable of doing this? It wasn’t because they were better than me or stronger than me. It was simply because they didn’t have the same wound as me. Perhaps they never had it. Or perhaps they’ve healed it. It’s amazing how grounded and confident we can become by healing the inner child.

I was so unaware of how this anger and resentment actually felt in my body. I was feeling it on the surface which is why I remained trapped in the same cycle. You’re probably wondering what this even means. Ok, so when I was triggered, I knew I was angry, but instead of sitting with that feeling, my nervous system went into either fight/flight/freeze or fawn, which just means that I either focussed on defending myself, ignoring him, or shrinking myself (people-pleasing). The secret that I wish I knew then that I now know is, when I’m triggered, I need to sit with that trigger; feel where that anger sits in my body. Feel the sensation. Sometimes this can show up as a tight chest, a knot in the stomach or a block in the throat. Simply becoming aware of the sensation helps to dissolve it so that I didn’t automatically execute the coping mechanism of people pleasing. This simple strategy helps us gain awareness, insight and emotional resilience.

The role of talk therapy for people-pleasers

Talk therapy can help us understand why we people please. Our therapist can give us advice and ask us questions to help us gain awareness, but that rarely changes anything. Why? Learning, understanding and intellectualizing engage the conscious part of the mind; the part of the mind that only impacts 5% of our day. Have you ever felt so empowered after a therapy session and gained awareness on what you can say or do that next time you’re in a situation only to fall back to the same patterns? I know I have. And that’s because the body, the nervous system and the subconscious mind weren’t involved in creating the shift necessary to actually change the pattern on autopilot.

How to break the cycle

So what actually happens when we drop into our body and notice the sensations when we’re triggered? When I first realized this through practice, I was fascinated. One day, I was talking to a friend who was psychologically abusing me through their tone, facial expression, ongoing back to back questions, challenging and smirks. I felt like anything I said or did would be used against me and that I wasn’t going to get anywhere in this conversation. By then, I had already began a mindfulness practice so I was regulated enough to pause. In that pause, I gained so much insight! The first thing that happened was by pausing, I was breaking the habit of reacting and defending myself. I surprised myself- I literally had no desire to explain myself. I didn’t care what they thought of me at that point. The next thing that happened in that moment was the insight I gained on my emotional state and my unmet needs. I was super aware of how I felt; powerless and helpless. So I sat with that, and breathed into it, noticing the feeling soften in my body, leading to giving myself what I was looking for from them; psychological safety. It was that moment that I gave myself the safety that I normally looked to other people for. This was the beginning of a new way of being for me and with practice, I was firing off new connections in my brain, allowing me to start to honour myself and set boundaries with people.

What life looks like after people-pleasing

People-pleasers that become conscious are the most powerful kind of people. We can only be a people-pleaser in the first place if we’re an empath. Empaths can feel what others feel, and that’s why they adapt to others- because it’s too uncomfortable to feel the disappointment. Imagine if you dropped the people-pleasing and just embodied the super power of being empathic! It’s a beautiful place to be. I can now feel the intentions of others and sense their internal state which leads to discernment. All the bullying, betrayal and rejection has served me well. It finally lead to the need to awaken. To do the inner work and to release what no longer serves me while keeping the super power that helps me make empowering decisions for myself with regards to who I share my precious energy with. I’m still the same kind, caring and compassionate person, but with boundaries. I am no longer stepped on, taken advantage of or bullied. And if someone does try anything like that on me, I’m able to notice it and assertively respond. This truly is the secret to change. We cannot bypass the root if we want more immediate and sustainable change.

I know this was a lot of information and I’d like to simplify it for you. The only thing you need to concern yourself with right now is awareness; consciousness. And this happens when you pay attention to your triggers and explore the root. I’ve made it simple to explore through the Bravezone app which can be downloaded from the app store and google playstore. Go to the trigger alchemy course and track in real time when you’re triggered. The bullet point questions will finally get you to the core of your wound. This awareness can lead to massive change, if you allow it. If you need 1:1 private support you can book a call.