I was listening to a podcast the other day where this psychologist—an “expert” on narcissism—was asked, “Why do we attract narcissistic partners?” Her answer was something like, “Because we missed the red flags. Because they were so charming.”

And while there’s truth in that, her response felt… surface level. It didn’t dive deep into what’s really going on. The truth is, attraction isn’t just about missing red flags. It’s about something much deeper. If we really want to transform our relationships, we have to go beyond that level of thinking and look within. We have to understand the real reasons behind narcissism.

The Real Reasons Behind Narcissism and Why We Choose Them

Now, let’s get real for a moment. Why do we actually attract these kinds of relationships? Why are we pulled toward narcissists, or people who trigger our deepest wounds? It’s not just because they were charismatic or we weren’t paying attention. There’s something within us that’s pulling those experiences in, and until we bring awareness to it, the pattern repeats.

Here’s something important: Most of us are living our lives in a subconscious autopilot. Neuroscience tells us that about 95% of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are running from this autopilot programming. That means, unless we wake up to it, we’re attracting people, situations, and experiences that align with our unresolved trauma and unhealed parts of ourselves.

Narcissists, too, are running on their own subconscious programs. The truth is, they’re not consciously controlling, manipulating, or abusing others because they wake up every day with that intention. Their behavior is driven by their own unresolved trauma, their unmet needs from childhood, their own subconscious. That doesn’t mean we should excuse or accept their behavior—far from it. But it’s important to realize that what’s happening is automatic. This is one of the real reasons behind narcissism. It’s not personal. It’s not about you.

What does that mean for you? It means you’re not a victim. You’re not powerless. In fact, it’s quite the opposite—you’re the creator of your reality. You have the power to change everything.

See, we don’t just attract what we want. We attract who we are. If there’s unhealed pain or a wound inside you, you’re going to attract people who reflect that back to you. It’s not about blame or shame—it’s about taking radical responsibility. Because once you realize that you’re the one attracting these experiences, you also realize that you have the power to shift them.

Let’s break it down even more. In life, I believe there are three types of people: the narcissist, the people-pleaser/empath, and the conscious person.

• The narcissist is acting out of pain and unresolved trauma. They manipulate and control others to feel safe because deep down, they don’t feel safe with themselves.
• The people-pleaser/empath sacrifices their own needs to keep the peace. They avoid conflict because they fear rejection and are stuck in a cycle of seeking external validation.
• The conscious person is someone who sees the pattern, recognizes their triggers, and gets curious. Instead of reacting, they choose to heal, grow, and transcend those patterns.

Now, if you’ve ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you might’ve found yourself stuck in something called a trauma bond. This is where you’re attached to someone, even though they’re emotionally abusive, because there’s this deep, subconscious belief that you need their validation to feel whole. The people-pleaser often gets trapped here, thinking, “If I can just help them change, if I can just love them enough, they’ll finally give me the love I’ve been seeking.”

But let me tell you something important: Healing doesn’t come from changing them. It comes from shifting you. It comes from stepping into your own worth and healing those old subconscious wounds that keep you stuck in these toxic patterns.

When you begin to heal, you start aligning with a higher level of self-worth and self-love. Your energy shifts, and suddenly, you’re no longer a match for the old relationships that drained you. You start attracting healthier, more conscious relationships that reflect your newfound self-awareness.

That psychologist’s answer in the podcast barely scratched the surface. This isn’t just about missing red flags—it’s about diving into what’s going on underneath the surface, in your subconscious. It’s about the energy you’re carrying, the unhealed wounds, the limiting beliefs that are running the show.

The beauty of all this? Once you become conscious of these patterns, you can heal them. And when you heal, you stop attracting relationships that reflect your old wounds. Instead, you attract relationships that reflect your new level of self-worth, self-love, and conscious awareness.

You’re more powerful than you think. The moment you take responsibility for your energy, your beliefs, and your patterns, you take back control of your life. The conscious person understands this. And that’s where real freedom begins.