The Unseen Factors: Why Your Relationship Might Be Struggling Behind the Scenes

Was it too much to ask for a happy, healthy relationship? This lingering question echoed throughout my marriage, especially during my lowest moments when I felt utterly worn out. If you’ve ever experienced that draining feeling, you might find my discoveries quite insightful. Here are some reasons why your relationship might be struggling behind the scenes.

Navigating the ups and downs of your relationship, you tirelessly strive for peace, facing a demoralizing and draining uphill battle. You put in effort to align with your partner, understand them better, and create a thriving connection. Devouring relationship books, binging TikToks, and suggesting date nights become rituals in your pursuit of peace. Yet, the peace and understanding you crave seem elusive. You embark on a date, engage in meaningful conversation, feel a fleeting connection, only to return home and find the cycle repeating.

I remember feeling so defeated and questioning why this journey had to be so challenging. Shouldn’t a relationship seamlessly fall into place when two people genuinely desire it and share the same goals? Aha! But what if our goals were never aligned? What if we were driven by different values? An epiphany struck me recently—perhaps we were never truly aligned, and his resistance toward divorce didn’t necessarily mean a commitment to growth.

My desire for a more fulfilling family life centered around values close to my heart—family, connection, and a sense of belonging. This journey was deeply rooted in my yearning to recreate the warmth and support absent during a lonely childhood. Unknowingly, I attracted a partner shaped by very different childhood conditions. He was raised with rigid family expectations, presenting challenges contrary to mine. 

Together, our challenges brewed into a perfect codependent blend. Influenced by his upbringing, his emphasis leaned more towards maintaining a power dynamic rooted in control rather than one based on peace and connection. Unaware of this, I persistently worked on enhancing our connection through exploring relationship books, over-compromising, delving into conflict resolution, and attempting effective communication. Simultaneously, he exploited my desire for connection to assert control over me. All I wanted was peace. All he wanted was control.  This clash in our goals and values eventually led to a dead end. 

I didn’t realize how bad it was until after my separation. As they say, hindsight is 20/20! Throughout my relationship, I became accustomed to feeling intimidated when engaging in activities like working out, reading books, practicing yoga, meditating, wearing leggings, talking to friends, and pursuing personal development. I never understood why every action I took required an opinion. It was only years later that I realized our goals were fundamentally different: he was motivated by control due to his childhood wounds, while I was motivated by a desperation for belonging due to my childhood wounds. The effects of our childhood wounds conflicted, making this a codependent relationship rooted in a lack of consciousness.

Why do we find ourselves in relationships that don’t nurture us? It all boils down to our subconscious beliefs. Personally, I felt unworthy of love, respect. Furthermore, I was afraid of rejection. Unknowingly, I sought to prove my worth by tolerating mistreatment, hoping that by doing so, he would recognize my value and treat me better.

These beliefs often form in childhood and continue to influence our choices as adults. Until we become conscious, question our triggers, sit with our emotions, and challenge our beliefs, we’ll keep attracting partners whose behaviors align with our subconscious programming. Ultimately, both partners need to be committed to consciousness and improvement for the relationship to thrive.

Make sure you and your partner do in fact share the same goal and are in fact motivated by the same values. Observe, pay attention, and foster curiosity—through their actions, the true motivations will be revealed.

Remember, transformation is a gradual process; you don’t have to see the entire staircase. To facilitate transformation for my clients, I often guide them through a personalized self-love plan, assisting them in releasing blocks and limiting beliefs rooted in childhood trauma.  Together, we work towards gaining clarity on their desires, unleashing the power within, and cultivating a sense of calm, clarity, and confidence. We do this through incorporating the power of the subconscious mind; the place where all of our memories, emotions, habits and beliefs exist. Once we reprogram the mind, we can align with our true desires. It takes a holistic approach to achieve true empowerment, while breaking toxic relationship patterns.

Envision a life where proving your worth becomes unnecessary, where you no longer walk on eggshells to please others, but instead, you are firmly grounded in your authentic self. This transformation doesn’t demand drastic changes; it begins with empowering yourself and allowing the process to unfold. For those seeking additional support, consider taking the first step towards a more empowered and grounded version of yourself with a clarity call!

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